Invaders are out of my body currently!! First time I've tested free of Lyme since I tested positive over 1 1/2 years ago!
Blogging to track progress. Nothing profound, deep or heartfelt here; just a record of treatment:
Today: started taking feseol iron with OJ after 10 minutes of taking my Himalayan salt.
Then stopped my tea today. Switched to dandy blend and took a couple of caffeine aspirins to help with the caffeine W/D's.
CBC levels as of 3/9/13
HGB 9
Ferritin 6
Hemacrit 15
This journey called Life
Laughing is good for the soul
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
New year... New goals!
My goal this new year... Is to write at least ONE blog entry a week! I think, it shouldn't be that hard. I have plenty to say... Just ask my co-recoverers in my meetings, or my dear hubby after he walks in the house from work!
I vow to do this! It's about putting myself out there, become vulnerable. My innermost thoughts and feelings on topics... exposed!
So, should I count this entry as my one this week? No.... I'll write again! It is what I do, it's me! In a weird way, it helps clear my head. It allows me to put my thoughts on 'paper' then go through it... Edit those thoughts (wish there was a way to do that in my brain) and hit the publish button for the world to read! How exhilirating!!
Till we meet again...
Shalom.
Tam
I vow to do this! It's about putting myself out there, become vulnerable. My innermost thoughts and feelings on topics... exposed!
So, should I count this entry as my one this week? No.... I'll write again! It is what I do, it's me! In a weird way, it helps clear my head. It allows me to put my thoughts on 'paper' then go through it... Edit those thoughts (wish there was a way to do that in my brain) and hit the publish button for the world to read! How exhilirating!!
Till we meet again...
Shalom.
Tam
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Coffee shop blogging... Who knew!
So it's a bright and beautiful, crisp November morning and I decide I will go downtown holland to catch up on me for a bit! After waking up, getting Viv ready and get us breakfast, I leave. I have this sense of forgetting something as I get into my car and drive down the road. This isn't the first time doing this... Its just been a long time since I've done anything by myself, with no real agenda... Except to just be. To just be. Doesn't that just sound Devine? To be or not to be... What sort of question I ask myself is that really?
Of course I chose to be, what other other alternatives do I have? I could not be... A mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, sister, in-law. If I'm not any of those 'titles' then what does that leave me? Oh yeah... Myself! I could chose to be me! Without me... There's none of those other titles... Really, truly.
I have these coins that have accumulated over the past 6 years of me doing something that any good and 'normal' person is supposed to be doing... But nevertheless, I collect these coins to remind me what I need to keep doing to maintain a life of some peace and serenity. I gather them for some part of me enjoys watching this meager stack grow. One day I'll remember these days that this stack had this representation based on where I am in my recovery. I hear the old times say that there comes a point where the number no longer has as much impact as it once did when starting out. I, myself am on that cusp... How long I stay there, that's another blog down the road!
I digressed from my topic of discussion. On these coins, reads 'To Thine Own Self Be True'. Ever since quitting drinking, I've always been haunted to that statement. In the very beginning, I had absolutely no clue what that meant. I didn't have a clue who I was, what I wanted to be, or even the person I needed to be.
I was told to keep coming back to the tables and they would love me until I could learn to love myself. There was always a seat 'saved' for me and they also told me I could use their higher power until I could find one for myself. Seemed a bit trivial, based on the big things that were going on in my life! I did what they told me, I keep coming back, I learned of a loving God that I could live with. I even eventually learned how to love myself. I later learned that the love I began to feel for me was the love I began to feel towards another person. I began to get it!!
Being true to myself today, means knowing when I need something that is good for me, with having the right motives. If my motives are not genuine or sincere, I need to step back, make amends and move on.
To thine own self be true, means I don't have the right to beat myself up over things. I do what I need to do to correct and right the wrong then move on! I can give myself a pat on the back, a little chuckle at myself and then let go and move on! Nobody else is going to do it for me. I am the only person that can truly give myself what I need today... With the help from my own higher power whom I've learned so much from and continues to teach me! For instance... I learned that I am worth taking 5 hours to myself for myself. I know I'll be a better person... A better me to me! If I am not giving myself what I need, I can't be all those other titles I gratefully hold!
I have amazing choices today! I chose to be and to breath in this moment in my life right now! How wonderful is THAT my friends!! Try it for yourself! It's good for the soul and for this journey called life!
God bless!!
Of course I chose to be, what other other alternatives do I have? I could not be... A mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, sister, in-law. If I'm not any of those 'titles' then what does that leave me? Oh yeah... Myself! I could chose to be me! Without me... There's none of those other titles... Really, truly.
I have these coins that have accumulated over the past 6 years of me doing something that any good and 'normal' person is supposed to be doing... But nevertheless, I collect these coins to remind me what I need to keep doing to maintain a life of some peace and serenity. I gather them for some part of me enjoys watching this meager stack grow. One day I'll remember these days that this stack had this representation based on where I am in my recovery. I hear the old times say that there comes a point where the number no longer has as much impact as it once did when starting out. I, myself am on that cusp... How long I stay there, that's another blog down the road!
I digressed from my topic of discussion. On these coins, reads 'To Thine Own Self Be True'. Ever since quitting drinking, I've always been haunted to that statement. In the very beginning, I had absolutely no clue what that meant. I didn't have a clue who I was, what I wanted to be, or even the person I needed to be.
I was told to keep coming back to the tables and they would love me until I could learn to love myself. There was always a seat 'saved' for me and they also told me I could use their higher power until I could find one for myself. Seemed a bit trivial, based on the big things that were going on in my life! I did what they told me, I keep coming back, I learned of a loving God that I could live with. I even eventually learned how to love myself. I later learned that the love I began to feel for me was the love I began to feel towards another person. I began to get it!!
Being true to myself today, means knowing when I need something that is good for me, with having the right motives. If my motives are not genuine or sincere, I need to step back, make amends and move on.
To thine own self be true, means I don't have the right to beat myself up over things. I do what I need to do to correct and right the wrong then move on! I can give myself a pat on the back, a little chuckle at myself and then let go and move on! Nobody else is going to do it for me. I am the only person that can truly give myself what I need today... With the help from my own higher power whom I've learned so much from and continues to teach me! For instance... I learned that I am worth taking 5 hours to myself for myself. I know I'll be a better person... A better me to me! If I am not giving myself what I need, I can't be all those other titles I gratefully hold!
I have amazing choices today! I chose to be and to breath in this moment in my life right now! How wonderful is THAT my friends!! Try it for yourself! It's good for the soul and for this journey called life!
God bless!!
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Another milestone...
I was lovingly convinced by my awesome sister who has a boy who is almost two, to take some of Vivian's used clothes to this local consignment shop which pays top dollar for gently used items. I agreed. I knew it was time.
Last year before we moved I had divided all of Viv's used clothes into separate bins, according to size. I had well over 9-10 bins full of wonderful clothes, carefully put away!
I decided to take the time this afternoon to go through each item of clothing for selling consideration. One bin led to another, then another, and the rest. I found more clothes tucked away in diaper boxes in the spare room upstairs, so I took another 1/2 hour to go through those as well!
I couldn't believe the waves of emotions that overwhelmed me at moments during this task. See... this was the very first time I have done this, to sell anything Viv has worn. From the tiny little socks and shoes to the outfit just purchased a month ago at size 4T... I went through it all! I decided to keep the outfits that had such obvious memories and attachments to, like the little sleepers she wore when we brought her home, to the sweet onesies she practically lived in to the unique outfits for pictures and special occasions. The first birthday, summers, winters, hats and first official shoes! I saved these precious few that I knew I couldn't part with. I did pretty well I thought, for being my first time! I was feeling proud of my 4 hour accomplishment! I loaded the 6 full bins and the 3 full diaper boxes into the back of my van. I headed out on my mission!
I began to reminisce, thanks to the trigger brought on by seeing the different outfits! It's pretty amazing how one little shirt or outfit can have so much impact on the senses! The outfits wore when I took her by myself to Florida when she was only 1 1/2. The outfits bought with good intentions, but still sat with the tags attached.
About half way to the shop, I began to feel my heart beat faster and I began to feel anxious and began to rethink the whole mission! I knew this was just a mommy moment that I needed another mom to tell me it's okay. Almost like I needed the permission to do what I was about to do!!
I called my sister who shared her experience with the first couple of times going through my nephews things and letting go. She told me something that I held on to. "what they don't pick, then it wasn't meant to be sold at this time". That gave me some comfort. I proceeded to bring all the bins into the shop. There they all were... piled high in the store, waiting for someone to paw through it all to take what they want to sell and leave the rest for me to bring back to their home! I was a bit nauseous! What a big step for this mom!! Who are the kids that will be wearing these carefully thought out clothes purchased for my little girl? The work involved to shop for these, the deals I sought out and took advantage of! The countless hours I spent, teaching Viv the basics of patience, mall shopping and the art of snacking!
I saw these as I stood there, looking at the clothes, as if I were looking for more assurance from the store workers! I moved on, I decided to look at the merchandise they offered. Let's see what company these beloved clothes would be 'hanging' with!! :)
I received a return phone call from a wonderful friend with three girls! I knew she would have some advice and empathy for my new adventure! I was right!! She said everything I wanted and needed to hear. I needed to hear it's okay to feel sad for letting them go. I needed to hear it's okay TO let them go! To make room for more that will soon take their place in our home! Just as my sister said that one line that I held on to for comfort, my friend said something too that I will hold dear to my heart going forward... "just think, your giving up the clothes and in their place you will now have artwork, precious drawings and painted pictures made from Viv's heart!" That is exactly what God knew I needed to hear!! She also shared with me an experience she had which was very similar. I knew I wasn't alone and I knew I could walk out of that store, allow them to paw through all those clothes and have the confidence that I am doing the right thing!
Thank you God for fellow mommas whom we can get through this life of mommyhood together, to lean on one another, help lift each other up, give a smile, a wink, a laugh and even a bit of criticism... it's all good for the mommy soul, especially when it's done out of love and I realized today, I have a lot of love to be grateful for!
Last year before we moved I had divided all of Viv's used clothes into separate bins, according to size. I had well over 9-10 bins full of wonderful clothes, carefully put away!
I decided to take the time this afternoon to go through each item of clothing for selling consideration. One bin led to another, then another, and the rest. I found more clothes tucked away in diaper boxes in the spare room upstairs, so I took another 1/2 hour to go through those as well!
I couldn't believe the waves of emotions that overwhelmed me at moments during this task. See... this was the very first time I have done this, to sell anything Viv has worn. From the tiny little socks and shoes to the outfit just purchased a month ago at size 4T... I went through it all! I decided to keep the outfits that had such obvious memories and attachments to, like the little sleepers she wore when we brought her home, to the sweet onesies she practically lived in to the unique outfits for pictures and special occasions. The first birthday, summers, winters, hats and first official shoes! I saved these precious few that I knew I couldn't part with. I did pretty well I thought, for being my first time! I was feeling proud of my 4 hour accomplishment! I loaded the 6 full bins and the 3 full diaper boxes into the back of my van. I headed out on my mission!
I began to reminisce, thanks to the trigger brought on by seeing the different outfits! It's pretty amazing how one little shirt or outfit can have so much impact on the senses! The outfits wore when I took her by myself to Florida when she was only 1 1/2. The outfits bought with good intentions, but still sat with the tags attached.
About half way to the shop, I began to feel my heart beat faster and I began to feel anxious and began to rethink the whole mission! I knew this was just a mommy moment that I needed another mom to tell me it's okay. Almost like I needed the permission to do what I was about to do!!
I called my sister who shared her experience with the first couple of times going through my nephews things and letting go. She told me something that I held on to. "what they don't pick, then it wasn't meant to be sold at this time". That gave me some comfort. I proceeded to bring all the bins into the shop. There they all were... piled high in the store, waiting for someone to paw through it all to take what they want to sell and leave the rest for me to bring back to their home! I was a bit nauseous! What a big step for this mom!! Who are the kids that will be wearing these carefully thought out clothes purchased for my little girl? The work involved to shop for these, the deals I sought out and took advantage of! The countless hours I spent, teaching Viv the basics of patience, mall shopping and the art of snacking!
I saw these as I stood there, looking at the clothes, as if I were looking for more assurance from the store workers! I moved on, I decided to look at the merchandise they offered. Let's see what company these beloved clothes would be 'hanging' with!! :)
I received a return phone call from a wonderful friend with three girls! I knew she would have some advice and empathy for my new adventure! I was right!! She said everything I wanted and needed to hear. I needed to hear it's okay to feel sad for letting them go. I needed to hear it's okay TO let them go! To make room for more that will soon take their place in our home! Just as my sister said that one line that I held on to for comfort, my friend said something too that I will hold dear to my heart going forward... "just think, your giving up the clothes and in their place you will now have artwork, precious drawings and painted pictures made from Viv's heart!" That is exactly what God knew I needed to hear!! She also shared with me an experience she had which was very similar. I knew I wasn't alone and I knew I could walk out of that store, allow them to paw through all those clothes and have the confidence that I am doing the right thing!
Thank you God for fellow mommas whom we can get through this life of mommyhood together, to lean on one another, help lift each other up, give a smile, a wink, a laugh and even a bit of criticism... it's all good for the mommy soul, especially when it's done out of love and I realized today, I have a lot of love to be grateful for!
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Going natural...
I had my first appointment today with a doctor who treats Lyme naturally.
She does muscle response testing. Not only do I have Lyme borreliosis and it's gone to my joints/muscles and organs but also my brain and right kidney!
I didn't test for any co-infections... which is good news. I didn't test for parasites... which is also good news!
I did however, test positive for HHV-6 virus as well as Epstein Barr (mono). These two viruses are very common in every human being. Normally these viruses do not become active unless the immune system becomes compromised, like those with Lyme, like myself.
I also found out that the Lyme bacteria is definately strong in my brain and my right kidney.
I go back tomorrow to find out a treatment plan to begin working on this.
I also start an injection treatment for my blood disorder. My body doesn't produce amino acids on its own via the bone marrow. The amino acid injection will begin to 'teach' my body how to produce it again naturally! We're hoping that this is the answer to my iron dropping without explaination!
I'll post more tomorrow after more testing.
She does muscle response testing. Not only do I have Lyme borreliosis and it's gone to my joints/muscles and organs but also my brain and right kidney!
I didn't test for any co-infections... which is good news. I didn't test for parasites... which is also good news!
I did however, test positive for HHV-6 virus as well as Epstein Barr (mono). These two viruses are very common in every human being. Normally these viruses do not become active unless the immune system becomes compromised, like those with Lyme, like myself.
I also found out that the Lyme bacteria is definately strong in my brain and my right kidney.
I go back tomorrow to find out a treatment plan to begin working on this.
I also start an injection treatment for my blood disorder. My body doesn't produce amino acids on its own via the bone marrow. The amino acid injection will begin to 'teach' my body how to produce it again naturally! We're hoping that this is the answer to my iron dropping without explaination!
I'll post more tomorrow after more testing.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Music to my... heart!
Six years ago today, I took my last drink. Yesterday I was listening to 'Fix You' by Coldplay. The song came out in 2005, the year I got sober and the words are still very haunting even after many, many times listening to it.
I wanted to share some of my thoughts. First of all, for those who don't know... I am a music gal. Ever since I was a little girl, most of my memories growing up are linking to some kind of music or songs. I easily attached emotions to music and I respond passionately to songs. (as well as the voice of Garrison Keillor/Prairie Home Companion)
You'll probably see some blogs going forward that have to do with songs and music. It's part of who I am, it's what I love!
If you take a few minutes to listen to this song and just picture someone who has just figured out that the person she thought she was is a lie and finally coming down around her. A girl who doesn't know how to live life and realizes quickly just how much she has hurt those around her, especially her husband. Comes to believe that the only way she was going to get any help and get out of the pit of hell she was stuck in was to keep looking up and asking for help, help on how to live life. How to do life without having to take that drink to numb the pain or anger or any feeling that was going on within.
Someone who had a husband and family who believed in her, who opened their arms and welcomed her back home. The invitation to work on life and to feel welcomed home... even though she didn't deserve this.
A heart that hurt because she didn't believe she was worth the love that was being shown to her... from her family, husband and the people around the tables of AA.
A determined spirit who's determination and passion for all or nothing kept her coming back... one day at a time. A girl who had to learn to listen and listen to learn. A girl who was so beaten down by the masks she was hiding behind for so long that all she could do was cry and learn how to get brutally honest with herself and with others!
Someone who learned that people were loving her until she could learn how to love herself.
The lights that guide me home today is the same light that was shinning bright 6 years ago. The light of God which shines through those around me... through my husband, my daughter, my family, my mom friends and AA family who taught me and continue to teach me that a light can shine brightly through those as long as your willing to look for it and keep the faith and hope that love never fails!
If I allow myself to be humble and vulnerable, I can also be that light for others that need a ray of hope to give them enough to keep on keeping on... To acheive sobriety and then give back what they've learned and have been given!
I am truly grateful for this day of sobriety. It's just another One day at a time in the life of this thankful traveler in God's world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4V3Mo61fJM
Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
-----------------
I wanted to share some of my thoughts. First of all, for those who don't know... I am a music gal. Ever since I was a little girl, most of my memories growing up are linking to some kind of music or songs. I easily attached emotions to music and I respond passionately to songs. (as well as the voice of Garrison Keillor/Prairie Home Companion)
You'll probably see some blogs going forward that have to do with songs and music. It's part of who I am, it's what I love!
If you take a few minutes to listen to this song and just picture someone who has just figured out that the person she thought she was is a lie and finally coming down around her. A girl who doesn't know how to live life and realizes quickly just how much she has hurt those around her, especially her husband. Comes to believe that the only way she was going to get any help and get out of the pit of hell she was stuck in was to keep looking up and asking for help, help on how to live life. How to do life without having to take that drink to numb the pain or anger or any feeling that was going on within.
Someone who had a husband and family who believed in her, who opened their arms and welcomed her back home. The invitation to work on life and to feel welcomed home... even though she didn't deserve this.
A heart that hurt because she didn't believe she was worth the love that was being shown to her... from her family, husband and the people around the tables of AA.
A determined spirit who's determination and passion for all or nothing kept her coming back... one day at a time. A girl who had to learn to listen and listen to learn. A girl who was so beaten down by the masks she was hiding behind for so long that all she could do was cry and learn how to get brutally honest with herself and with others!
Someone who learned that people were loving her until she could learn how to love herself.
The lights that guide me home today is the same light that was shinning bright 6 years ago. The light of God which shines through those around me... through my husband, my daughter, my family, my mom friends and AA family who taught me and continue to teach me that a light can shine brightly through those as long as your willing to look for it and keep the faith and hope that love never fails!
If I allow myself to be humble and vulnerable, I can also be that light for others that need a ray of hope to give them enough to keep on keeping on... To acheive sobriety and then give back what they've learned and have been given!
I am truly grateful for this day of sobriety. It's just another One day at a time in the life of this thankful traveler in God's world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4V3Mo61fJM
Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
-----------------
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