Tonights thoughts...

Ater leaving a meeting tonight, I decided to take advantage of the bit of energy that I had left over from the afternoon... so, at 8pm I pulled into Kohls at the Rivertown Mall to browse through some earings to accomodate my new 'super' short haircut that I got last week! (which totally serves the purpose of why I got it) Anyway, so it's been forever since I actually went shopping, specifically for earings. I proceded to walk into Kohls and I took a brief moment to stop and allow myself to enjoy the experience without a particular, cute little 3 year old in toe!

I found the jewerly section and without any idea of what exactly I was looking for I began to do that thing that us girls are so good at... the art of shopping, narrowing down and getting to that decision of 'okay, now which TWO should I choose from' time!

I checked out and paid for the two pair of lovely sets of earings I decided on and walked outside. It was approxomately 8:30 and the cool fall breeze felt refreshing and wonderful. I quickly realized the fact that it's already dark out! It's dark! It's been well over 6 weeks since my Lyme treatment began and being caught off guard with the fall breeze and walking in the dusk at 8:30 made me also realize that I haven't been outside, enjoying and taking in the transition to this time of year, which I always love to do every year! I was quickly saddened, then moved to the thoughts of... it's okay, next year will be different! Again... there IS a season for everything!

This time of year always brings me back to my early 20's. I found 'Jimmy Buffett' and became a parrothead, went to the Keys on my honeymoon (with my first husband)and found the serenity that people talk about down there! It was a beautiful visit and I never turned my back on Buffett since then!
Anyway, I am reminded of his song, 'When the coast is clear'. It's about this time of year and time to reflect. I loved going out to the pier in Grand Haven, sit and just think about the summer that just left for another year. It was always bittersweet.
Here is a link to the song-
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkfKz6GX2Lo&feature=share

I got in my 'mom'van and took off... smiling all the way home!

Lyme facts about me...

I've documented all the symptoms that I've experienced in my life with having Lyme Disease. As you can see there are alot. I've learned how to live with so many of these, not even realizing that it was not 'normal'!! I would tell doctors that I have any of the below symptoms and was told and diagnosed with everything from:

IBS
ADD
Dysleksia
Sun deprivation disorder
depression
anxiety
Celiac disease
microscopic Colitis
Fibromayalgia
Lupus
Chronic Anemia (with over 40-50 blood transfusion within the past 6 1/2 years)
Unexplained red blood cell loss (by a specialist at U of M)
Skin disorder (with dark blochy spots)
Bipolar disorder
Mild restless leg syndrome
'unexplained' enlarged spleen
Unexplained heart palpatations and arythmia
Endometreosis (with 3 different sugergies)
Unexplained infertility

SYMPTOMS--

AUTONOMIC NERVOUS SYSTEM/ENDOCRINE/IMMUNE/HORMONE:
Abnormal sensitivity to hot or cold
Allergies (nasal, other; new, increased or worsening)
Canker sores (frequent)
Chills and/or shakes when hungry (may occur instead of feeling hungry)
Cold hands and feet
Extreme fatigue after minimal exertion
Feeling hot or cold often
Hair loss (alopecia)
Low-grade fevers
Low blood pressure (below 110/70)
Low body temperature (below 97.5)
Lymph nodes painful, swollen (in neck; under arms)
Night sweats (not related to menopause or fever)
Thirst, increased
Temperature irregularities; often feeling hot or cold irrespective of actual ambient

CARDIOPULMONARY/RESPIRATORY/CIRCULATORY:
Cardiac abnormalities (tachycardia; palpitations; dysrhythmia)
Cough
Dyspnea (out of breath) or shortness of breath (air hunger) after minimal or no exertion
Heart palpitations
Heart pounds so hard it shakes body, bed
Pulse skips
Serious rhythm disturbances of heart
Sighing, frequent, not related to mental/emotional state

CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM/NEUROLOGIAL/NEUROPATHIC/OTOLOGIC:
Abnormal CAT, MRI and/or SPECT scans
Alcohol intolerance
"Brainfog"; inability to think clearly
Difficulty moving tongue to speak
Headaches (frequent, severe, recurring)
Hearing changes, often from day to day (need to turn up, then down, volume of radio, TV)
Joint or arthritic pain not relieved by NSAIDs (ie, ibuprofen)
Libido (decreased)
Light-headedness, feeling spaced-out
Migraine headaches
Muscle twitching
Noise intolerance
Severe weakness of limb
Parasthesias (numbness, tingling, crawling, itching sensations) in face, head, torso, extremities
Photosensitivity
Seizures; seizure-like episodes
Sensory alterations (hyper- or hyposensitivity) - smell, taste, hearing (noise intolerance)
Severe muscle weakness
Tinnitus (ringing/noises in one or both ears)
Touch or weight of clothing on or against body causes discomfort or pain

COGNITIVE FUNCTION:
Difficulty with simple calculations (e.g., balancing checkbook)
Difficulty expressing ideas in words
Difficulty making decisions
Difficulty following directions while driving
Difficulty remembering names of objects
Difficulty remembering names of people
Difficulty recognizing faces
Difficulty following simple written instructions
Difficulty following simple oral (spoken) instructions
Difficulty putting tasks or things in proper sequence
Difficulty paying attention
Difficulty following a conversation when background noise is present
Difficulty making and/or retrieving memories (long/short-term memory deficits)
Difficulty understanding what you read
Easily distracted during a task
Losing your train of thought in the middle of a sentence
Poor judgment
Stuttering; stammering
Transposition (reversal) of numbers, words and/or letters when you speak and/or speak
Word-finding difficulty
Using the wrong word

DIGESTIVE/HEPATIC:
Bloating; intestinal gas
Digestive chemicals (acid, enzymes) reduced or absent
Frequent diarrhea
Food cravings (especially carbohydrates, sweets)
Food/Substance intolerance
IBS
Increased appetite
Nausea
Spleen enlarged
Stomach ache, cramps
Weight gain

EQUILIBRIUM/PERCEPTION:
Bite your cheeks or tongue frequently
Bump into things frequently
Difficulty discriminating printed matter despite proper vision correction
Distances (difficulty judging when driving; when putting things down on surfaces)
Dizziness or vertigo
Dropping things frequently
Dysequilibrium (balance problems)
Impaired coordination
Loss of balance when standing with eyes closed
Perception (not quite seeing what you are looking at)
Some patterns (stripes, checks) cause dizziness
Spatial disorientation

EYES/VISION:
Blurred vision
Diminished visual acuity in absence of actual vision change
Drooping eyelid
Double vision
Eye pain
Pressure sensation behind eyes
Slowed accommodation (switching focus from far to near, near to far)
Spots or floaters not related to migraines
lazy eye

HEAD/NECK/MOUTH:
Bruxism (grinding/clenching teeth)
Canker sores
Dizziness when you turn your head or move
Dry chronic cough
Dry eyes, nose and mouth (sicca syndrome)
Pain in ears, gums
Periodontal disease
Prickling pain along skin of jaw
Runny nose in absence of cold, allergies
Sinus infections
Sore spot on the top of your head
Unexplained toothaches

MUSCULOSKELETAL:
Arthritic pain that migrates from joint to joint
Carpal tunnel syndrome
Frozen shoulder
Intermittent joint swelling
Joint pain, without redness or swelling
Loss of tone
"Lumpy, bumpy" long muscles
Morning stiffness
Muscle aches (myalgia)
Muscle pain, stiffness, weakness
Reduced range of motion
Stiff neck
Writing causes pain in hand, arm shoulder

PAIN SYMPTOMS:
Abdominal pain
Chest pain
Generalized pain
Pain that migrates from joint to joint
Pain/stiffness at C1-C2 (top two vertebrae)
Shooting or stabbing pains

PSYCHOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS/MOOD/EMOTIONS:
Abrupt/Unpredictable mood swings
Anxiety or fear for no obvious reason
Appetite increase/decrease
Decreased self-esteem
Depression or depressed mood
Feeling helpless and/or hopeless
Feeling worthless
Frequent crying for no reason
Helpless/Hopeless feelings
Inability to enjoy previously enjoyed activities
Irritability; over-reaction
New phobias/irrational fears
Panic attacks
Personality changes (labile, irritable, anxious, confused, forgetful)
Phobias (irrational fears)
Rage attacks; anger outbursts for little or no reason
Suicidal thoughts or suicide attempts

SENSITIVITIES:
Acute or abnormal reactions to medications
Alteration in taste, smell, and/or hearing
Chemicals (alcohol, medications; lower tolerance for)
Food sensitivities
Increased perception of and sensitivity to noise
Light sensitivity
Sensitivity to odors (able to detect and/or react in concentrations far lower than before and that healthy people cannot smell)

SKIN/NAILS:
Abnormal scarring
Blotchy or mottled skin
Bruise easily
Bruises may take longer to appear, and/or longer to fade
Dermographia (minor scratch pressure on skin leaves vivid red welts)
Dry, itchy skin
Easily scar
Eczema or psoriasis
Fragile nails
Frequent skin irritations
Overgrowing connective tissue (thickened/split cuticles, cysts, fibroids)
Painful skin (abnormal/excessive pain when scratched or rubbed)
Vertical ridges or beads in nails

SLEEP SYMPTOMS:
Altered sleep/wake patterns (alert/energetic late at night, sleepy during day
Difficulty staying asleep (frequent and/or prolonged awakenings)
Myclonus (restless leg syndrome; occasional jerking of entire body)
Unrefreshing/Non-restorative sleep

UROGENITAL/REPRODUCTIVE:
Decreased libido
Endometriosis
Painful intercourse
Painful urination or bladder
Pelvic and rectal pain
Other symptoms worsen before start of menstruation
Worsening of PMS

OTHER:
Abnormal or other changes in sweating
Delayed reaction to overactivity/exertion (onset 24-48 hours after exertion)
Electromagnetic (EM) sensitivity (electrical storms, full moon, affect function of electrical devices)
Fatigue, prolonged, disabling, made worse by exertion or stress
Fibrocystic breasts
Hair loss (not related to age, hormones, diet, medication)
Hands hurt excessively when put in cold water
Handwriting changes, altering signature and/or other writing
Hoarseness
Painful, weak grasp that gives way/lets go
Periods of concentrated thinking causes physical and mental exhaustion, increases pain
Sore throat
Symptoms change focus from time to time, like infection is moving through the body
Thickened "sleep" around eyes in mornings
Very attractive to biting flies and mosquitoes
Weight changes (usually gain)
Iron deficiency

From my heart...

As I struggle with these days of Lyme, there is this beautiful, fascinating and spirit filled little girl who is my whole world! She reminds me, through the simple and innocent ways of her God given character that I cannot give up on living life to the fullest way possible each day that God blesses me with! Even through my worst days, she is right there, smiling at me, telling me "it's alright mommy, God will take your pain away"! (Even as I type this now, I get that lump in my throat!:)
Every time Viv says encouraging words or displays her tender heart and gentle spirit, I hear that still voice within reminding me that I am doing my job as a mom well and I am the best mom for this little girl! Sometimes it's all I need to hear to get through that day.

Last week I woke up to my antibiotic alarm, that goes off every night at 11:20, I sat up, took my med and I had 10 minutes before I could lay back down. In that time I was asking God, "why Lord?" and as He always does, spoke to my heart and some words from a verse in Ecclesiastes came to my mind "There is a time and a season for everything". I just have to remember to keep looking up and continue to search for that next step I must take. Sometimes I look up, call out to God and hear Him tell me, 'just keep fighting'. I don't have to have the answers to why I am going through what I am, I just need to have faith and trust God has me right in the palm of His hands and will never let me go. I am His child. He knew me before I was formed in my mothers womb. He knows all my struggles the pain, every tear I've shed and the questions I've had and continue to ask. I rest my peace, my joy, my serenity on these very truths about God.
He's carried me through all of my trials and tribulations in my life (even the days I didn't call out to Him for help) I know He's been there with me and even knows my steps before I take them! Why then would I think for one second that He will just stop being my Father in heaven! I would never EVER consider not being Vivian's mom... and I'm human! God has proven Himself to my family and I that He has and will continue to bless us in ways beyond amazement and understanding and will never turn His back on us!

When I wrote that my Lyme diagnosis was the best and worst news in my life, one of the ways I mean that is; I searched and searched, prayed and cried out for answers to my health problems and being told I have Lyme IS the answer I needed and I need to be grateful for that very answer to prayer. I also know, even though the treatment is hell, painful and overwhelming at times, there is a season for everything and my season right now is temporary. This too shall pass, and God uses everything for good, because God IS good and gracious and all loving.

I'm learning that God places people in our lives for a reason. Maybe for me, maybe it's for them, always for a reason. There are some pretty incredible people, particularly women that are in my life right now, and my job as a God loving and God fearing woman is to continue to ask how He can use me and also how to ask for help when I need it. I've also learned that 'I can't, but God can' and uses ways beyond my finite mind to make it happen!

Today, I understand what I learned from MY mom; with God, I am never surprised but always amazed! (thank you to my mom who's taught me so much)

I close my post with a Jimmy Buffett line; Breathe in, Breathe out... move on!
I am grateful that I have a God of my understanding, that I can do just that with and turn everything over to His care and not mine!
Let go and let God... there is something so powerful in those five little words!

From my heart to yours... blessings and shalom!

Lyme Disease

I am rededicating my blog site to my journey with Lyme Disease. I received my diagnosis on August 9th this year. I feel the need to document my path of recovery, not only for my own way to express my thoughts, feelings, emotions and a way of therapy for me... but also for those who may be going through the same struggles with Lyme (or life in general for that matter). Maybe for those who are still suffering with the symptoms of Lyme and are desperately searching for answers. I've been there, for many years I searched, researched, searched more... just for a diagnosis that actually made sense!
Now that I finally have my answer, I am making it my mission to make others aware of this terrible disease that affects SO many people who are walking around and not even realizing they are infected!
Doctor after doctor... specialist after specialist... hundreds of appointments, thousands of dollars spent for test after test after test.
I will document my symptoms and tests done in the past. I've even been to U of M hospital for tests with no answers.
I'm looking forward to my new venture in blogging and hope you enjoy the journey with me!
Until then... blessings to you!