I was lovingly convinced by my awesome sister who has a boy who is almost two, to take some of Vivian's used clothes to this local consignment shop which pays top dollar for gently used items. I agreed. I knew it was time.
Last year before we moved I had divided all of Viv's used clothes into separate bins, according to size. I had well over 9-10 bins full of wonderful clothes, carefully put away!
I decided to take the time this afternoon to go through each item of clothing for selling consideration. One bin led to another, then another, and the rest. I found more clothes tucked away in diaper boxes in the spare room upstairs, so I took another 1/2 hour to go through those as well!
I couldn't believe the waves of emotions that overwhelmed me at moments during this task. See... this was the very first time I have done this, to sell anything Viv has worn. From the tiny little socks and shoes to the outfit just purchased a month ago at size 4T... I went through it all! I decided to keep the outfits that had such obvious memories and attachments to, like the little sleepers she wore when we brought her home, to the sweet onesies she practically lived in to the unique outfits for pictures and special occasions. The first birthday, summers, winters, hats and first official shoes! I saved these precious few that I knew I couldn't part with. I did pretty well I thought, for being my first time! I was feeling proud of my 4 hour accomplishment! I loaded the 6 full bins and the 3 full diaper boxes into the back of my van. I headed out on my mission!
I began to reminisce, thanks to the trigger brought on by seeing the different outfits! It's pretty amazing how one little shirt or outfit can have so much impact on the senses! The outfits wore when I took her by myself to Florida when she was only 1 1/2. The outfits bought with good intentions, but still sat with the tags attached.
About half way to the shop, I began to feel my heart beat faster and I began to feel anxious and began to rethink the whole mission! I knew this was just a mommy moment that I needed another mom to tell me it's okay. Almost like I needed the permission to do what I was about to do!!
I called my sister who shared her experience with the first couple of times going through my nephews things and letting go. She told me something that I held on to. "what they don't pick, then it wasn't meant to be sold at this time". That gave me some comfort. I proceeded to bring all the bins into the shop. There they all were... piled high in the store, waiting for someone to paw through it all to take what they want to sell and leave the rest for me to bring back to their home! I was a bit nauseous! What a big step for this mom!! Who are the kids that will be wearing these carefully thought out clothes purchased for my little girl? The work involved to shop for these, the deals I sought out and took advantage of! The countless hours I spent, teaching Viv the basics of patience, mall shopping and the art of snacking!
I saw these as I stood there, looking at the clothes, as if I were looking for more assurance from the store workers! I moved on, I decided to look at the merchandise they offered. Let's see what company these beloved clothes would be 'hanging' with!! :)
I received a return phone call from a wonderful friend with three girls! I knew she would have some advice and empathy for my new adventure! I was right!! She said everything I wanted and needed to hear. I needed to hear it's okay to feel sad for letting them go. I needed to hear it's okay TO let them go! To make room for more that will soon take their place in our home! Just as my sister said that one line that I held on to for comfort, my friend said something too that I will hold dear to my heart going forward... "just think, your giving up the clothes and in their place you will now have artwork, precious drawings and painted pictures made from Viv's heart!" That is exactly what God knew I needed to hear!! She also shared with me an experience she had which was very similar. I knew I wasn't alone and I knew I could walk out of that store, allow them to paw through all those clothes and have the confidence that I am doing the right thing!
Thank you God for fellow mommas whom we can get through this life of mommyhood together, to lean on one another, help lift each other up, give a smile, a wink, a laugh and even a bit of criticism... it's all good for the mommy soul, especially when it's done out of love and I realized today, I have a lot of love to be grateful for!
This journey called Life
Laughing is good for the soul
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Going natural...
I had my first appointment today with a doctor who treats Lyme naturally.
She does muscle response testing. Not only do I have Lyme borreliosis and it's gone to my joints/muscles and organs but also my brain and right kidney!
I didn't test for any co-infections... which is good news. I didn't test for parasites... which is also good news!
I did however, test positive for HHV-6 virus as well as Epstein Barr (mono). These two viruses are very common in every human being. Normally these viruses do not become active unless the immune system becomes compromised, like those with Lyme, like myself.
I also found out that the Lyme bacteria is definately strong in my brain and my right kidney.
I go back tomorrow to find out a treatment plan to begin working on this.
I also start an injection treatment for my blood disorder. My body doesn't produce amino acids on its own via the bone marrow. The amino acid injection will begin to 'teach' my body how to produce it again naturally! We're hoping that this is the answer to my iron dropping without explaination!
I'll post more tomorrow after more testing.
She does muscle response testing. Not only do I have Lyme borreliosis and it's gone to my joints/muscles and organs but also my brain and right kidney!
I didn't test for any co-infections... which is good news. I didn't test for parasites... which is also good news!
I did however, test positive for HHV-6 virus as well as Epstein Barr (mono). These two viruses are very common in every human being. Normally these viruses do not become active unless the immune system becomes compromised, like those with Lyme, like myself.
I also found out that the Lyme bacteria is definately strong in my brain and my right kidney.
I go back tomorrow to find out a treatment plan to begin working on this.
I also start an injection treatment for my blood disorder. My body doesn't produce amino acids on its own via the bone marrow. The amino acid injection will begin to 'teach' my body how to produce it again naturally! We're hoping that this is the answer to my iron dropping without explaination!
I'll post more tomorrow after more testing.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Music to my... heart!
Six years ago today, I took my last drink. Yesterday I was listening to 'Fix You' by Coldplay. The song came out in 2005, the year I got sober and the words are still very haunting even after many, many times listening to it.
I wanted to share some of my thoughts. First of all, for those who don't know... I am a music gal. Ever since I was a little girl, most of my memories growing up are linking to some kind of music or songs. I easily attached emotions to music and I respond passionately to songs. (as well as the voice of Garrison Keillor/Prairie Home Companion)
You'll probably see some blogs going forward that have to do with songs and music. It's part of who I am, it's what I love!
If you take a few minutes to listen to this song and just picture someone who has just figured out that the person she thought she was is a lie and finally coming down around her. A girl who doesn't know how to live life and realizes quickly just how much she has hurt those around her, especially her husband. Comes to believe that the only way she was going to get any help and get out of the pit of hell she was stuck in was to keep looking up and asking for help, help on how to live life. How to do life without having to take that drink to numb the pain or anger or any feeling that was going on within.
Someone who had a husband and family who believed in her, who opened their arms and welcomed her back home. The invitation to work on life and to feel welcomed home... even though she didn't deserve this.
A heart that hurt because she didn't believe she was worth the love that was being shown to her... from her family, husband and the people around the tables of AA.
A determined spirit who's determination and passion for all or nothing kept her coming back... one day at a time. A girl who had to learn to listen and listen to learn. A girl who was so beaten down by the masks she was hiding behind for so long that all she could do was cry and learn how to get brutally honest with herself and with others!
Someone who learned that people were loving her until she could learn how to love herself.
The lights that guide me home today is the same light that was shinning bright 6 years ago. The light of God which shines through those around me... through my husband, my daughter, my family, my mom friends and AA family who taught me and continue to teach me that a light can shine brightly through those as long as your willing to look for it and keep the faith and hope that love never fails!
If I allow myself to be humble and vulnerable, I can also be that light for others that need a ray of hope to give them enough to keep on keeping on... To acheive sobriety and then give back what they've learned and have been given!
I am truly grateful for this day of sobriety. It's just another One day at a time in the life of this thankful traveler in God's world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4V3Mo61fJM
Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
-----------------
I wanted to share some of my thoughts. First of all, for those who don't know... I am a music gal. Ever since I was a little girl, most of my memories growing up are linking to some kind of music or songs. I easily attached emotions to music and I respond passionately to songs. (as well as the voice of Garrison Keillor/Prairie Home Companion)
You'll probably see some blogs going forward that have to do with songs and music. It's part of who I am, it's what I love!
If you take a few minutes to listen to this song and just picture someone who has just figured out that the person she thought she was is a lie and finally coming down around her. A girl who doesn't know how to live life and realizes quickly just how much she has hurt those around her, especially her husband. Comes to believe that the only way she was going to get any help and get out of the pit of hell she was stuck in was to keep looking up and asking for help, help on how to live life. How to do life without having to take that drink to numb the pain or anger or any feeling that was going on within.
Someone who had a husband and family who believed in her, who opened their arms and welcomed her back home. The invitation to work on life and to feel welcomed home... even though she didn't deserve this.
A heart that hurt because she didn't believe she was worth the love that was being shown to her... from her family, husband and the people around the tables of AA.
A determined spirit who's determination and passion for all or nothing kept her coming back... one day at a time. A girl who had to learn to listen and listen to learn. A girl who was so beaten down by the masks she was hiding behind for so long that all she could do was cry and learn how to get brutally honest with herself and with others!
Someone who learned that people were loving her until she could learn how to love herself.
The lights that guide me home today is the same light that was shinning bright 6 years ago. The light of God which shines through those around me... through my husband, my daughter, my family, my mom friends and AA family who taught me and continue to teach me that a light can shine brightly through those as long as your willing to look for it and keep the faith and hope that love never fails!
If I allow myself to be humble and vulnerable, I can also be that light for others that need a ray of hope to give them enough to keep on keeping on... To acheive sobriety and then give back what they've learned and have been given!
I am truly grateful for this day of sobriety. It's just another One day at a time in the life of this thankful traveler in God's world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4V3Mo61fJM
Fix You
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you
-----------------
Thursday, October 20, 2011
... and then there's always coffee!
Woke up this morning about 7:30, after only 3 hours of sleep last night, between my short bout of insomnia, my 3 year old needing to use the bathroom 2 times during the night and the bad dreams she was having. I reluctantly get a cup of coffee before getting myself in the mode of... getting ready. I'm not 'supposed' to have coffee because of the caffeine, which causes the Lyme bacteria to become more active, which means pain and fatigue for me. It's a double edge sword though... if I have the coffee, I can plan on being in pain and feel like the earth is sucking me in. If I don't have the coffee (with as little sleep as I got) I can plan on falling asleep in my lap throughout the day! Hmm... decisions, decisions! Ya, I'll go with NOT falling asleep in my lap today, thanks!
So... get the coffee, go upstairs, sit and sip for a few minutes. As I feel the caffeine wake my body up in a profusely rude manner, as opposed to the normal water and lemon concoction I do in the mornings, I remind myself... only 1 hour and 15 minutes to get both myself and Vivian up and out the door for my MOPS meeting! Yikes!! So, I hop in the shower and get ready, get Vivian out of her bed, brush her teeth, comb her hair and get us downstairs to let our cockapoo, Marley, out outside to do his morning business. I stop, and think... fatigue... don't have time for you right now, really... I don't! COME ON COFFEE!!! DO THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DOOOO!
Get Viv dressed, find the lost socks, bring Marley back inside, feed him, sit Viv at the table and feed her. Let Marley BACK outside (because he is crazy and can't go pee and poo all in the same time being outside), get the bags ready to go, get my purse and bags into the car, start the car to warm it up (since my body absolutely hates cold!!), Vivian is deciding she just wants to spoon out the raisins and milk! Great! Okay, it's 8:48 and I have to be in Jenison at 9, we're doing good!
Let Marley back in, put him in his cage and get Viv down, put her socks, shoes and jacket on, which she was willing to wear everything (anyone who's had, has or's taken care of a 3 year old understands) get her in the car and get myself a jacket and shoes on. Get in the car and go down the mental checklist to make sure I have everything. Set the alarm and we're OFF! YAY... it's 8:54! Not bad!
Pull up to the church where our MOPS meetings are at and it's down pouring! Crawl in the back of the van (with my butt sticking straight up like a duck underwater!) haul out the umbrella and get Vivian out of her seat. I still have to get my purse and 2 VERY heavy bags with 4 gallons of apple cider, which I was in charge of getting this week for the breakfast. I throw one bag over my shoulder and one bag balanced with my purse in the other. Trying to also maneuver the umbrella, of course Viv wanted to walk every which way but straight and under the umbrella! "hurry, hurry, hurry!" I'm saying to her as we finally get inside!
Get my things down and get the cider to the kitchen. Thanks to our AWESOME MOPS leader, she rounds up the kiddos and heads them downstairs for us moms who are trying to set up breakfast! (Thanks Wendy!)
I get situated, get myself some grapes, sausages, cider (of course!!) and coffee (cup #2... yes, 2! Because I need it!! :) I take a breath and remember... crap! Vivian's gluten free animal cookies are in my purse still!! UGH! So.... down the hall, around the church, to the basement and back down another hall I bring the leaders her little humble bag of cookies! :) Okay. Head back through the hall, up the stairs (stop and rest a second) back around the church and back down the other hallway to my chair I go! I sit. I breathe. I am exhausted. I take another deep breath and then proceed to eat my breakfast. I am feeling pretty good now, knowing that I don't have to get up from this chair for another hour and 1/2! I now allow myself to relax, to soak in the moment with all these other beautiful moms and imagine their mornings being just as hectic.
I know we all have our own crazy mornings! I just don't know anyone yet who has mornings like mine, with a little one and battling Lyme Disease! I just don't. I've met people with LD, they have kids, but none with a 3 year old... being a 3 year old!
So, in that regard... I feel a bit alone. Not better or worse. Just alone.
We get through the meeting, Wendy speaks, which she said things today that I really took to heart and am going to begin to do in my life. For myself and for Vivian. So, I'm emotional because of the changes that I need to make and the acceptance that I have to have in order to do these things she spoke of. Then they bring out the guest speaker. She is going to talk about 'Being your child's first best teacher with creative, intentional parenting'! Sounds lovely, doesn't it?? Did to me too! I was thrilled! YES, I can't wait to hear tips, advice, information and her experience on this topic! Seems appropriate since I am going to take that venture of being an 'official homeschooling' mom one day! I thought, I better pay attention, listen and take notes!
She begins and she is great! I sat up straighter and began to listen intently to all she had to offer!
She starts out and talks about the qualities you want your kids to possess as they grow, we are asked to write them down a moment. Then, she spoke of statistics of parents failing at being a fully involved parent. She talked about making a mission statement for the family! Awe... I totally can do that! Oh, wait... Steve and I don't even sit down and dream right now... hmm... anyway.
She busted out the creative part of parenting. The different ways to get our kids to show their creative side, with just some foam board, magazines and fabric swatches! Oh yeah! I can totally do that, I thought!! Then there's the Travel Binder for the trips that the family makes! Oh, cool! Wait... what? Trips? We've taken one so far and that one was completely and utterly exhausting for me! Travel?? Binders?? Organize binders with info downloaded from the Internet and bible verses to match accordingly??? Wait... WHAT? I can't even hardly download my new patient forms for my other 3rd new Lyme doctor that I'm hoping will work for me. Bible verses?? I can't get past, Lord give me the strength today, prayers! Verses?? *sigh* okay...
Then there's talk about the Bible Books bag and the question jar and the prayer book with pictures and cards underneath with prayer requests.
I think, wait a minute...I have a toilet paper roll that I have sitting on my table, waiting for me to figure out how to make it into a shaker for Vivian and a project she needs to do this week for her Kindermusik class next week!
There was Hanging bible verses for 'What we believe' and 'The way we want to live' categories! Lastly, downloading Sunday school songs and printing them in a binder for the kids to choose to sing before bedtime! I can hardly even make it upstairs to brush Viv's teeth and put her PJ's on, let alone... bring up the song binder and have her pick out songs to sing, sit on the floor and have a grand time singing them before bed! Really?
For the 45 minutes that she spoke I found myself writing and thinking then writing and brain storming my own ideas for Viv and us. Until she got to all the projects and printing verses! I'm not saying I don't believe in bible verses... because I really do! It just got to the point where I began to look at my own reality. My reality right now is pretty crazy enough without all the verses, projects and mission statements! I am just trying to find a doctor to properly treat my Lyme so that I am not throwing up, getting sick, depressed and can't get out of bed with treatments! My goal right now is to seek treatment that works in the natural and will kill the Lyme bacteria as well as allowing me to live my 'busy enough' life!
I began to think I was a bad mom, like I was depriving my child if I didn't do these things. If I don't have a family mission statement, what will others think??? Seriously, I thought... how silly does that sound? It sounds wonderful and gives me all sorts of feel good emotions to think about doing these things this gal spoke of. I just have to be realistic. I cannot do these things right now. I can't. PERIOD. Maybe someday I will have the energy and motivation... maybe. I have to be okay with what we have today.
Vivian sees me going through the day, giving everything in my power to get through it as best as I can. I break down sometimes, and that's okay too. It allows her to see that mom is human, I have emotions and I get frustrated and scared. I call out to God for help and she hears me! She is learning that when times are tough, call out to the One who has the power to help! She sees when I am happy and hears me say thank you God for the gratitude and the ability to be happy. She is learning that just God alone can bring us happiness and gratitude if we seek it. She hears me pray for those around us as well as healing. That shows her how to get out of ourselves and think about other people and lift them up to God to bless them, to change us. To bring healing if it should be His will. Shows her how to ask nicely and give thanks even though. She sees me laying on the couch and not being able to move sometimes. She gets frustrated and I tell her it's okay to be frustrated, I am too. Let's make the best of it. She can be real with me. I smile to her and ask her to bring her books or toys to play on the couch. She helps me and that shows her how to make the best of a situation even if the situation isn't how you would like it. It shows her how to smile through the pain and trust that God will make it better!
So... to the beginning of what the speaker recommended. Listing the five things you want your child to possess in life. These are the 5 qualities I wrote down this morning before typing this blog.
1. Passionate for God
2. Be compassionate for others
3. Be willing to get out of yourself and work hard
4. To thine own self be true
5. Be genuine
Little did I know... I am already living our way into right thinking. I really am being Vivian's 'First, best teacher with creative, intentional parenting'!
I don't need all the other 'stuff' mentioned above to make her be a better little person right now. She is getting just what she needs in life. God is quite amazing like that! I just need to keep looking ahead and to God for the next right step to make. He will show me. I trust in Him and by doing so, it's showing Viv how to do the same in life. All the other 'fun' stuff will fall into it's place, in it's own time. I love knowing this today.
So... get the coffee, go upstairs, sit and sip for a few minutes. As I feel the caffeine wake my body up in a profusely rude manner, as opposed to the normal water and lemon concoction I do in the mornings, I remind myself... only 1 hour and 15 minutes to get both myself and Vivian up and out the door for my MOPS meeting! Yikes!! So, I hop in the shower and get ready, get Vivian out of her bed, brush her teeth, comb her hair and get us downstairs to let our cockapoo, Marley, out outside to do his morning business. I stop, and think... fatigue... don't have time for you right now, really... I don't! COME ON COFFEE!!! DO THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DOOOO!
Get Viv dressed, find the lost socks, bring Marley back inside, feed him, sit Viv at the table and feed her. Let Marley BACK outside (because he is crazy and can't go pee and poo all in the same time being outside), get the bags ready to go, get my purse and bags into the car, start the car to warm it up (since my body absolutely hates cold!!), Vivian is deciding she just wants to spoon out the raisins and milk! Great! Okay, it's 8:48 and I have to be in Jenison at 9, we're doing good!
Let Marley back in, put him in his cage and get Viv down, put her socks, shoes and jacket on, which she was willing to wear everything (anyone who's had, has or's taken care of a 3 year old understands) get her in the car and get myself a jacket and shoes on. Get in the car and go down the mental checklist to make sure I have everything. Set the alarm and we're OFF! YAY... it's 8:54! Not bad!
Pull up to the church where our MOPS meetings are at and it's down pouring! Crawl in the back of the van (with my butt sticking straight up like a duck underwater!) haul out the umbrella and get Vivian out of her seat. I still have to get my purse and 2 VERY heavy bags with 4 gallons of apple cider, which I was in charge of getting this week for the breakfast. I throw one bag over my shoulder and one bag balanced with my purse in the other. Trying to also maneuver the umbrella, of course Viv wanted to walk every which way but straight and under the umbrella! "hurry, hurry, hurry!" I'm saying to her as we finally get inside!
Get my things down and get the cider to the kitchen. Thanks to our AWESOME MOPS leader, she rounds up the kiddos and heads them downstairs for us moms who are trying to set up breakfast! (Thanks Wendy!)
I get situated, get myself some grapes, sausages, cider (of course!!) and coffee (cup #2... yes, 2! Because I need it!! :) I take a breath and remember... crap! Vivian's gluten free animal cookies are in my purse still!! UGH! So.... down the hall, around the church, to the basement and back down another hall I bring the leaders her little humble bag of cookies! :) Okay. Head back through the hall, up the stairs (stop and rest a second) back around the church and back down the other hallway to my chair I go! I sit. I breathe. I am exhausted. I take another deep breath and then proceed to eat my breakfast. I am feeling pretty good now, knowing that I don't have to get up from this chair for another hour and 1/2! I now allow myself to relax, to soak in the moment with all these other beautiful moms and imagine their mornings being just as hectic.
I know we all have our own crazy mornings! I just don't know anyone yet who has mornings like mine, with a little one and battling Lyme Disease! I just don't. I've met people with LD, they have kids, but none with a 3 year old... being a 3 year old!
So, in that regard... I feel a bit alone. Not better or worse. Just alone.
We get through the meeting, Wendy speaks, which she said things today that I really took to heart and am going to begin to do in my life. For myself and for Vivian. So, I'm emotional because of the changes that I need to make and the acceptance that I have to have in order to do these things she spoke of. Then they bring out the guest speaker. She is going to talk about 'Being your child's first best teacher with creative, intentional parenting'! Sounds lovely, doesn't it?? Did to me too! I was thrilled! YES, I can't wait to hear tips, advice, information and her experience on this topic! Seems appropriate since I am going to take that venture of being an 'official homeschooling' mom one day! I thought, I better pay attention, listen and take notes!
She begins and she is great! I sat up straighter and began to listen intently to all she had to offer!
She starts out and talks about the qualities you want your kids to possess as they grow, we are asked to write them down a moment. Then, she spoke of statistics of parents failing at being a fully involved parent. She talked about making a mission statement for the family! Awe... I totally can do that! Oh, wait... Steve and I don't even sit down and dream right now... hmm... anyway.
She busted out the creative part of parenting. The different ways to get our kids to show their creative side, with just some foam board, magazines and fabric swatches! Oh yeah! I can totally do that, I thought!! Then there's the Travel Binder for the trips that the family makes! Oh, cool! Wait... what? Trips? We've taken one so far and that one was completely and utterly exhausting for me! Travel?? Binders?? Organize binders with info downloaded from the Internet and bible verses to match accordingly??? Wait... WHAT? I can't even hardly download my new patient forms for my other 3rd new Lyme doctor that I'm hoping will work for me. Bible verses?? I can't get past, Lord give me the strength today, prayers! Verses?? *sigh* okay...
Then there's talk about the Bible Books bag and the question jar and the prayer book with pictures and cards underneath with prayer requests.
I think, wait a minute...I have a toilet paper roll that I have sitting on my table, waiting for me to figure out how to make it into a shaker for Vivian and a project she needs to do this week for her Kindermusik class next week!
There was Hanging bible verses for 'What we believe' and 'The way we want to live' categories! Lastly, downloading Sunday school songs and printing them in a binder for the kids to choose to sing before bedtime! I can hardly even make it upstairs to brush Viv's teeth and put her PJ's on, let alone... bring up the song binder and have her pick out songs to sing, sit on the floor and have a grand time singing them before bed! Really?
For the 45 minutes that she spoke I found myself writing and thinking then writing and brain storming my own ideas for Viv and us. Until she got to all the projects and printing verses! I'm not saying I don't believe in bible verses... because I really do! It just got to the point where I began to look at my own reality. My reality right now is pretty crazy enough without all the verses, projects and mission statements! I am just trying to find a doctor to properly treat my Lyme so that I am not throwing up, getting sick, depressed and can't get out of bed with treatments! My goal right now is to seek treatment that works in the natural and will kill the Lyme bacteria as well as allowing me to live my 'busy enough' life!
I began to think I was a bad mom, like I was depriving my child if I didn't do these things. If I don't have a family mission statement, what will others think??? Seriously, I thought... how silly does that sound? It sounds wonderful and gives me all sorts of feel good emotions to think about doing these things this gal spoke of. I just have to be realistic. I cannot do these things right now. I can't. PERIOD. Maybe someday I will have the energy and motivation... maybe. I have to be okay with what we have today.
Vivian sees me going through the day, giving everything in my power to get through it as best as I can. I break down sometimes, and that's okay too. It allows her to see that mom is human, I have emotions and I get frustrated and scared. I call out to God for help and she hears me! She is learning that when times are tough, call out to the One who has the power to help! She sees when I am happy and hears me say thank you God for the gratitude and the ability to be happy. She is learning that just God alone can bring us happiness and gratitude if we seek it. She hears me pray for those around us as well as healing. That shows her how to get out of ourselves and think about other people and lift them up to God to bless them, to change us. To bring healing if it should be His will. Shows her how to ask nicely and give thanks even though. She sees me laying on the couch and not being able to move sometimes. She gets frustrated and I tell her it's okay to be frustrated, I am too. Let's make the best of it. She can be real with me. I smile to her and ask her to bring her books or toys to play on the couch. She helps me and that shows her how to make the best of a situation even if the situation isn't how you would like it. It shows her how to smile through the pain and trust that God will make it better!
So... to the beginning of what the speaker recommended. Listing the five things you want your child to possess in life. These are the 5 qualities I wrote down this morning before typing this blog.
1. Passionate for God
2. Be compassionate for others
3. Be willing to get out of yourself and work hard
4. To thine own self be true
5. Be genuine
Little did I know... I am already living our way into right thinking. I really am being Vivian's 'First, best teacher with creative, intentional parenting'!
I don't need all the other 'stuff' mentioned above to make her be a better little person right now. She is getting just what she needs in life. God is quite amazing like that! I just need to keep looking ahead and to God for the next right step to make. He will show me. I trust in Him and by doing so, it's showing Viv how to do the same in life. All the other 'fun' stuff will fall into it's place, in it's own time. I love knowing this today.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
I may have Lyme... but I'm still a mommy!
I have to share a story about my so-called adventure this evening with my 3 year old daughter, Vivian.
My husband left for church and a meeting tonight, as he does every Sunday evening.
Being that I couldn't really remember the last night Viv had a bath, I knew it was time. so, at 6:45 I said okay, it's bath time!! Viv jumped up, ran up the stairs and into the bathroom. I started the bath and she completely freaked out, began to sob, scream and stomped her little size 8 feet!
I just starred at her in shock! How can she go from happy-go-lucky one second and a completely different child the next?? I thought... is THIS what the other mom 'warned' me about? Was this another test... stepped up? How am I going to pass this one I wondered. As the water filled the tub and Viv continued to scream and turn red... I just sat down on my bathroom floor. For the first time in a very long time (since she was just a newborn) I was at a lost of what I needed to do. For a moment everything was quiet and I thought... Hmm, what would my other mom friends do at a time like this?? Here I am, a woman who at one time in her life, would go sit down in front of business 'big wigs' eye them down until they signed on the dotted line for a product I was selling... but I couldn't stop this little child of only 3 years of life experience to stop screaming! My reality was shook!
I looked up at Viv, she looked at me and began to scream louder. I watched her like the horse whisperer stares down a horse with a sense of compassion and confidence my spirit changed.
All of a sudden Viv began to calm down and I asked her to come sit down on my lap. She walked over and took a seat. I held on to her tightly and rocked. I said to her, "it must really be hard for you to be so upset like this, huh?" she responded softly, "yes". I said "I know how it feels to be so upset, I get upset too sometimes and it hurts when I cry so hard. Does it hurt you to cry like this?" she responded, "yes". I said "I don't like to see you so upset. Let's take some deep breaths and relax a minute, ready?" she said, "okay mommy". "Deep breath in... and breath out. Deep breath in... and breath out." then to my surprise... Vivian JUMPED up, and said "let's get the toys for my bath mom. Lets go!" with excitement in her voice! Who in the world, is this child that was just turning red and screaming her head off to grabbing my hand to help her into the tub??? What just happened here?? I had a total mommy confused moment!
I helped her up into the tub and she began to splash around and be her jovial self as she gleamed with joy!
Oh the life of a mommy! I wouldn't trade these moments for anything in the world. The once fulfilling moments in my working career is nothing compared to the most mind-bending moments as a stay-at-home mommy!
My life is crazy right now. I am battling the biggest fight of my life with Lyme disease and being home with a 3 year old that is testing her boundaries (as she should). I know that I am not the only one that is going through what I am going through. I have met other Lymers who are dealt the same cards as I have, and it feels good just knowing they know what it feels like.
Of course I am typing this out 2 hours after the 'episode' took place. After coming back downstairs and curling up on the couch to decompress from the day, my body feeling like a truck just hit it! I wanted to fall in a heap and cry, then God reminded me, and my heart sang a song of praise! Praise to God who has brought me to answers and the WILLINGNESS to fight and keep fighting, even through the years I had NO answers... I continued to FIGHT!
I knew if I were to give up, I would wither away and die. God blessed me with this child to care for, to wipe her tears... (even after she screams her cute little head off!) I get to comfort this child and rock her. I can empathize with her. I AM the very best mommy for this girl. How dare me if I were to give up and give in and not fight! My daughter deserves better than that! I deserve better than that! God didn't make me to just sit and be complacent about life. He made me with a determined spirit!
I can honestly say, today... that I am grateful to be a recovered alcoholic. I am not able to say with confidence that I am grateful to have Lyme Disease... not yet anyway. I know one day I will be able to say Thank you God for this disability in my life. I know there will come a day that I can say this. Just like being an alcoholic in recovery who enjoys helping others who are hurting, one day I will be able to say I enjoy helping other Lymers get through their days, just one hour at a time, just as other Lymers are beginning their journey with helping me and teaching me how to get through each day, one hour at a time!
Peace be with you!
My husband left for church and a meeting tonight, as he does every Sunday evening.
Being that I couldn't really remember the last night Viv had a bath, I knew it was time. so, at 6:45 I said okay, it's bath time!! Viv jumped up, ran up the stairs and into the bathroom. I started the bath and she completely freaked out, began to sob, scream and stomped her little size 8 feet!
I just starred at her in shock! How can she go from happy-go-lucky one second and a completely different child the next?? I thought... is THIS what the other mom 'warned' me about? Was this another test... stepped up? How am I going to pass this one I wondered. As the water filled the tub and Viv continued to scream and turn red... I just sat down on my bathroom floor. For the first time in a very long time (since she was just a newborn) I was at a lost of what I needed to do. For a moment everything was quiet and I thought... Hmm, what would my other mom friends do at a time like this?? Here I am, a woman who at one time in her life, would go sit down in front of business 'big wigs' eye them down until they signed on the dotted line for a product I was selling... but I couldn't stop this little child of only 3 years of life experience to stop screaming! My reality was shook!
I looked up at Viv, she looked at me and began to scream louder. I watched her like the horse whisperer stares down a horse with a sense of compassion and confidence my spirit changed.
All of a sudden Viv began to calm down and I asked her to come sit down on my lap. She walked over and took a seat. I held on to her tightly and rocked. I said to her, "it must really be hard for you to be so upset like this, huh?" she responded softly, "yes". I said "I know how it feels to be so upset, I get upset too sometimes and it hurts when I cry so hard. Does it hurt you to cry like this?" she responded, "yes". I said "I don't like to see you so upset. Let's take some deep breaths and relax a minute, ready?" she said, "okay mommy". "Deep breath in... and breath out. Deep breath in... and breath out." then to my surprise... Vivian JUMPED up, and said "let's get the toys for my bath mom. Lets go!" with excitement in her voice! Who in the world, is this child that was just turning red and screaming her head off to grabbing my hand to help her into the tub??? What just happened here?? I had a total mommy confused moment!
I helped her up into the tub and she began to splash around and be her jovial self as she gleamed with joy!
Oh the life of a mommy! I wouldn't trade these moments for anything in the world. The once fulfilling moments in my working career is nothing compared to the most mind-bending moments as a stay-at-home mommy!
My life is crazy right now. I am battling the biggest fight of my life with Lyme disease and being home with a 3 year old that is testing her boundaries (as she should). I know that I am not the only one that is going through what I am going through. I have met other Lymers who are dealt the same cards as I have, and it feels good just knowing they know what it feels like.
Of course I am typing this out 2 hours after the 'episode' took place. After coming back downstairs and curling up on the couch to decompress from the day, my body feeling like a truck just hit it! I wanted to fall in a heap and cry, then God reminded me, and my heart sang a song of praise! Praise to God who has brought me to answers and the WILLINGNESS to fight and keep fighting, even through the years I had NO answers... I continued to FIGHT!
I knew if I were to give up, I would wither away and die. God blessed me with this child to care for, to wipe her tears... (even after she screams her cute little head off!) I get to comfort this child and rock her. I can empathize with her. I AM the very best mommy for this girl. How dare me if I were to give up and give in and not fight! My daughter deserves better than that! I deserve better than that! God didn't make me to just sit and be complacent about life. He made me with a determined spirit!
I can honestly say, today... that I am grateful to be a recovered alcoholic. I am not able to say with confidence that I am grateful to have Lyme Disease... not yet anyway. I know one day I will be able to say Thank you God for this disability in my life. I know there will come a day that I can say this. Just like being an alcoholic in recovery who enjoys helping others who are hurting, one day I will be able to say I enjoy helping other Lymers get through their days, just one hour at a time, just as other Lymers are beginning their journey with helping me and teaching me how to get through each day, one hour at a time!
Peace be with you!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Merging recovery
So, I was thinking earlier as I was writing some thoughts on my Lyme forum site about the Lyme disease being a 'we' disease. Isn't that what life is... really. Life is truly a 'we' journey. I am a recovering alcoholic with almost 6 years of continuous sobriety under me. I owe that to God, of which I understand that has brought me from the pits of hell to this place of spiritual contentment (for the most part anyway:)
I didn't know how to live life before coming to meetings. I was a complete mess. I began to learn that there are others that also didn't know how to live life. Then that person met another person and together they did life together and as their experience, strength and hope grew... so did their happiness and the fulfillment from helping others in teaching them how to live their life one day at a time based on what worked for the ones who went before them. Pretty soon there's an entire community of others helping others!
Living with Lyme disease is no different than this, really. It is as simple as one person who needs help looking to another person who needed that same help and learned how and where to get it, then if they are truly grateful for that experience, they will gladly pass the knowledge on to others that can benefit from the information. If it wasn't for others in my online Lyme community sharing with others what worked and is working for them, I wouldn't be as confident in beating this as I am today.
My gratitude means always looking to the spiritual gifts in my life. When I first got sober, I was pretty superficial, I could only write down things like house, cars, money, things, things, things!! Which is okay... it helped me get out of myself and think about the things in life I did have rather than looking at what I didn't have.
Today however, I am able to search deeper. I am truly grateful for the capability to think beyond my self. I have a peace and serenity that goes beyond all understanding! I have a confidence and love for myself, the kind of love where when I look in the mirror, I can look myself in the eyes and tell that person looking back "I love you"! That took a while to learn how to do, but I finally came to that point I could, and how fulfilling!
I am also grateful that I can listen to my gut tell me what is right and wrong. What feels okay and what feels yucky. This took a longer time to develop and it still developing over time. I am not perfect by any means, I am better than I used to be. God continues to show me ways to listen to that small voice.
So many times I will go through something and then look back and think, 'so that's why I was so discontent?' or 'that's why it felt right to do'. Other times I have no clue why I needed to do what I did, but someday I will. That is where the developing of trust and faith comes. When something happens and you can't figure out why but having the faith that someday you'll be shown.
I didn't know how to live life before coming to meetings. I was a complete mess. I began to learn that there are others that also didn't know how to live life. Then that person met another person and together they did life together and as their experience, strength and hope grew... so did their happiness and the fulfillment from helping others in teaching them how to live their life one day at a time based on what worked for the ones who went before them. Pretty soon there's an entire community of others helping others!
Living with Lyme disease is no different than this, really. It is as simple as one person who needs help looking to another person who needed that same help and learned how and where to get it, then if they are truly grateful for that experience, they will gladly pass the knowledge on to others that can benefit from the information. If it wasn't for others in my online Lyme community sharing with others what worked and is working for them, I wouldn't be as confident in beating this as I am today.
My gratitude means always looking to the spiritual gifts in my life. When I first got sober, I was pretty superficial, I could only write down things like house, cars, money, things, things, things!! Which is okay... it helped me get out of myself and think about the things in life I did have rather than looking at what I didn't have.
Today however, I am able to search deeper. I am truly grateful for the capability to think beyond my self. I have a peace and serenity that goes beyond all understanding! I have a confidence and love for myself, the kind of love where when I look in the mirror, I can look myself in the eyes and tell that person looking back "I love you"! That took a while to learn how to do, but I finally came to that point I could, and how fulfilling!
I am also grateful that I can listen to my gut tell me what is right and wrong. What feels okay and what feels yucky. This took a longer time to develop and it still developing over time. I am not perfect by any means, I am better than I used to be. God continues to show me ways to listen to that small voice.
So many times I will go through something and then look back and think, 'so that's why I was so discontent?' or 'that's why it felt right to do'. Other times I have no clue why I needed to do what I did, but someday I will. That is where the developing of trust and faith comes. When something happens and you can't figure out why but having the faith that someday you'll be shown.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Life hurts when God wants you to grow in Him...
Good evening!
Earlier today, I called a very, very dear friend of our family, and she reminded me to steer clear of people who make you question your own reality!! There are many in my life right now that is doing this to me. I am going to start making some healthy choices for my own recovery and break ties from these people with a faith that my higher power will replace those severed relationships with good people who understands or who just wants to love on me!
I was told today by an individual I met with, that my symptoms were a result of deeper emotional issues, that I am a hypochondriac looking for attention and I should feel ashamed for 'turning my back' on my church, which she has absolutely no clue the amount of pain I have in mornings especially. It hurts to get ready for church, get Vivian ready, sit in pain for an hour just to rush out and get home! I choose to listen to the previous weeks service on the radio and worship Jesus in my own home. This is my life right now. It's my disease, nobody else can fight it... I am the only person who can and knows what limitations I have. I was also judged for going to ArtPrize and not church. Okay... So, don't ask me questions about me spiritually, physically, emotionally... Just keep beating me up with things that are so small compared to the bigger picture! Did she bother to ask how I deal with the emotional pain I feel when physically I can play with Viv one hour, then an hour later I am on the couch and can't move. How that affects Vivian and myself?? How it feels to watch the world through my window most times!
I didn't defend or justify my actions or my disease. It is what it is and God gives me the peace I need to know that I am right where I need to be and nobody can take that away from me! How dare her use such intimidation and control to try and shake the core of who I am and what I know and believe! Shame on her!!
For an entire hour I listened to complete negativity! I was asked at the beginning of our meeting, how i was feeling, only to have it used against me. I don't think someone who doesn't even know Lyme, let alone; research it, has a right to say that the treatment I was and will go through is extreme and wrong!! "Have you researched Lyme or looked into it", I asked. "no" was the response I got. And I will take advice from someone who is using intimidation tactics to alter my way of seeking treatment protocols?? I don't think so... Sorry!
I asked her to leave (after the third time of saying I'm using my disease as an attention getter) and I sat back in the leather couch, at the coffee shop. Stunned, completely stunned as to what just happened. I felt God put His hands on me and felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I grabbed my 3 yr old daughter who was innocently and simply playing on & around the couch I was on, kissed her softly on her forehead and told her how proud I was of her and how much I love her! I learned a lot about me today! I learned that I am worth it, I have value, boundaries and that I know what I know, what I know! For this realization, I wouldn't have traded the hour of drilling me and my character and who I am for anything!!
God uses ways to make us grow (emotionally & spiritually) whether it's mysterious, wonderful and/or painful experiences.
I am having difficult moments today, but I am realizing the gratitude I have for the positive people and things I have in my life right now.
There is a saying I love: 'Wear the world as a loose garment'
I will continue to write my daily gratitude lists, pray for those who offend and those I love. I will love my current situation for the way it is right now, knowing that God has great and wonderful plans for me and my family.
I will trust Him in all ways.
Earlier today, I called a very, very dear friend of our family, and she reminded me to steer clear of people who make you question your own reality!! There are many in my life right now that is doing this to me. I am going to start making some healthy choices for my own recovery and break ties from these people with a faith that my higher power will replace those severed relationships with good people who understands or who just wants to love on me!
I was told today by an individual I met with, that my symptoms were a result of deeper emotional issues, that I am a hypochondriac looking for attention and I should feel ashamed for 'turning my back' on my church, which she has absolutely no clue the amount of pain I have in mornings especially. It hurts to get ready for church, get Vivian ready, sit in pain for an hour just to rush out and get home! I choose to listen to the previous weeks service on the radio and worship Jesus in my own home. This is my life right now. It's my disease, nobody else can fight it... I am the only person who can and knows what limitations I have. I was also judged for going to ArtPrize and not church. Okay... So, don't ask me questions about me spiritually, physically, emotionally... Just keep beating me up with things that are so small compared to the bigger picture! Did she bother to ask how I deal with the emotional pain I feel when physically I can play with Viv one hour, then an hour later I am on the couch and can't move. How that affects Vivian and myself?? How it feels to watch the world through my window most times!
I didn't defend or justify my actions or my disease. It is what it is and God gives me the peace I need to know that I am right where I need to be and nobody can take that away from me! How dare her use such intimidation and control to try and shake the core of who I am and what I know and believe! Shame on her!!
For an entire hour I listened to complete negativity! I was asked at the beginning of our meeting, how i was feeling, only to have it used against me. I don't think someone who doesn't even know Lyme, let alone; research it, has a right to say that the treatment I was and will go through is extreme and wrong!! "Have you researched Lyme or looked into it", I asked. "no" was the response I got. And I will take advice from someone who is using intimidation tactics to alter my way of seeking treatment protocols?? I don't think so... Sorry!
I asked her to leave (after the third time of saying I'm using my disease as an attention getter) and I sat back in the leather couch, at the coffee shop. Stunned, completely stunned as to what just happened. I felt God put His hands on me and felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I grabbed my 3 yr old daughter who was innocently and simply playing on & around the couch I was on, kissed her softly on her forehead and told her how proud I was of her and how much I love her! I learned a lot about me today! I learned that I am worth it, I have value, boundaries and that I know what I know, what I know! For this realization, I wouldn't have traded the hour of drilling me and my character and who I am for anything!!
God uses ways to make us grow (emotionally & spiritually) whether it's mysterious, wonderful and/or painful experiences.
I am having difficult moments today, but I am realizing the gratitude I have for the positive people and things I have in my life right now.
There is a saying I love: 'Wear the world as a loose garment'
I will continue to write my daily gratitude lists, pray for those who offend and those I love. I will love my current situation for the way it is right now, knowing that God has great and wonderful plans for me and my family.
I will trust Him in all ways.
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