Good evening!
Earlier today, I called a very, very dear friend of our family, and she reminded me to steer clear of people who make you question your own reality!! There are many in my life right now that is doing this to me. I am going to start making some healthy choices for my own recovery and break ties from these people with a faith that my higher power will replace those severed relationships with good people who understands or who just wants to love on me!
I was told today by an individual I met with, that my symptoms were a result of deeper emotional issues, that I am a hypochondriac looking for attention and I should feel ashamed for 'turning my back' on my church, which she has absolutely no clue the amount of pain I have in mornings especially. It hurts to get ready for church, get Vivian ready, sit in pain for an hour just to rush out and get home! I choose to listen to the previous weeks service on the radio and worship Jesus in my own home. This is my life right now. It's my disease, nobody else can fight it... I am the only person who can and knows what limitations I have. I was also judged for going to ArtPrize and not church. Okay... So, don't ask me questions about me spiritually, physically, emotionally... Just keep beating me up with things that are so small compared to the bigger picture! Did she bother to ask how I deal with the emotional pain I feel when physically I can play with Viv one hour, then an hour later I am on the couch and can't move. How that affects Vivian and myself?? How it feels to watch the world through my window most times!
I didn't defend or justify my actions or my disease. It is what it is and God gives me the peace I need to know that I am right where I need to be and nobody can take that away from me! How dare her use such intimidation and control to try and shake the core of who I am and what I know and believe! Shame on her!!
For an entire hour I listened to complete negativity! I was asked at the beginning of our meeting, how i was feeling, only to have it used against me. I don't think someone who doesn't even know Lyme, let alone; research it, has a right to say that the treatment I was and will go through is extreme and wrong!! "Have you researched Lyme or looked into it", I asked. "no" was the response I got. And I will take advice from someone who is using intimidation tactics to alter my way of seeking treatment protocols?? I don't think so... Sorry!
I asked her to leave (after the third time of saying I'm using my disease as an attention getter) and I sat back in the leather couch, at the coffee shop. Stunned, completely stunned as to what just happened. I felt God put His hands on me and felt an overwhelming sense of peace come over me. I grabbed my 3 yr old daughter who was innocently and simply playing on & around the couch I was on, kissed her softly on her forehead and told her how proud I was of her and how much I love her! I learned a lot about me today! I learned that I am worth it, I have value, boundaries and that I know what I know, what I know! For this realization, I wouldn't have traded the hour of drilling me and my character and who I am for anything!!
God uses ways to make us grow (emotionally & spiritually) whether it's mysterious, wonderful and/or painful experiences.
I am having difficult moments today, but I am realizing the gratitude I have for the positive people and things I have in my life right now.
There is a saying I love: 'Wear the world as a loose garment'
I will continue to write my daily gratitude lists, pray for those who offend and those I love. I will love my current situation for the way it is right now, knowing that God has great and wonderful plans for me and my family.
I will trust Him in all ways.
Tammy, I read this the other day:
ReplyDeleteUnless you've lived my life, don't judge me because you don't know, never have & never will know every little thing & detail about me
I thought of you.
Keep your head up. Love you....♥
Well said. I struggled for years feeling ashamed and so alone becuase nobody understood me or accepted what was happening to me. I especially struggled with my family and the way they responded to me/treated me. But I kept pressing on and searching for answers and healing. And things are so much better today. Just keep pressing on towards the goal. You'll get there. All in God's time. Don't worry about what others think or say. They can't and never will understand. So ignore it. I wasted too much time trying to explain things to people, but it never helped. They just couldn't get it. So I stopped trying and just lived my life the way I could/had to. I seemed selfish and cold to others. But in reality I was hurting and wanting desparately to be "normal" and be able to do things with them. It just wasn't physically or mentally possible. But I couldn't explain that. I couldn't explain the tears and daily prayers for things to change. Or how I felt trapped in my own body. But God has brought me through the worst of it and I have grown so much from it. It will get better. I pray that God will give you the strength you need daily.
ReplyDeleteMary Voogt
Thank you guys! Your comments means so much!
ReplyDelete