Woke up this morning about 7:30, after only 3 hours of sleep last night, between my short bout of insomnia, my 3 year old needing to use the bathroom 2 times during the night and the bad dreams she was having. I reluctantly get a cup of coffee before getting myself in the mode of... getting ready. I'm not 'supposed' to have coffee because of the caffeine, which causes the Lyme bacteria to become more active, which means pain and fatigue for me. It's a double edge sword though... if I have the coffee, I can plan on being in pain and feel like the earth is sucking me in. If I don't have the coffee (with as little sleep as I got) I can plan on falling asleep in my lap throughout the day! Hmm... decisions, decisions! Ya, I'll go with NOT falling asleep in my lap today, thanks!
So... get the coffee, go upstairs, sit and sip for a few minutes. As I feel the caffeine wake my body up in a profusely rude manner, as opposed to the normal water and lemon concoction I do in the mornings, I remind myself... only 1 hour and 15 minutes to get both myself and Vivian up and out the door for my MOPS meeting! Yikes!! So, I hop in the shower and get ready, get Vivian out of her bed, brush her teeth, comb her hair and get us downstairs to let our cockapoo, Marley, out outside to do his morning business. I stop, and think... fatigue... don't have time for you right now, really... I don't! COME ON COFFEE!!! DO THAT VOODOO THAT YOU DOOOO!
Get Viv dressed, find the lost socks, bring Marley back inside, feed him, sit Viv at the table and feed her. Let Marley BACK outside (because he is crazy and can't go pee and poo all in the same time being outside), get the bags ready to go, get my purse and bags into the car, start the car to warm it up (since my body absolutely hates cold!!), Vivian is deciding she just wants to spoon out the raisins and milk! Great! Okay, it's 8:48 and I have to be in Jenison at 9, we're doing good!
Let Marley back in, put him in his cage and get Viv down, put her socks, shoes and jacket on, which she was willing to wear everything (anyone who's had, has or's taken care of a 3 year old understands) get her in the car and get myself a jacket and shoes on. Get in the car and go down the mental checklist to make sure I have everything. Set the alarm and we're OFF! YAY... it's 8:54! Not bad!
Pull up to the church where our MOPS meetings are at and it's down pouring! Crawl in the back of the van (with my butt sticking straight up like a duck underwater!) haul out the umbrella and get Vivian out of her seat. I still have to get my purse and 2 VERY heavy bags with 4 gallons of apple cider, which I was in charge of getting this week for the breakfast. I throw one bag over my shoulder and one bag balanced with my purse in the other. Trying to also maneuver the umbrella, of course Viv wanted to walk every which way but straight and under the umbrella! "hurry, hurry, hurry!" I'm saying to her as we finally get inside!
Get my things down and get the cider to the kitchen. Thanks to our AWESOME MOPS leader, she rounds up the kiddos and heads them downstairs for us moms who are trying to set up breakfast! (Thanks Wendy!)
I get situated, get myself some grapes, sausages, cider (of course!!) and coffee (cup #2... yes, 2! Because I need it!! :) I take a breath and remember... crap! Vivian's gluten free animal cookies are in my purse still!! UGH! So.... down the hall, around the church, to the basement and back down another hall I bring the leaders her little humble bag of cookies! :) Okay. Head back through the hall, up the stairs (stop and rest a second) back around the church and back down the other hallway to my chair I go! I sit. I breathe. I am exhausted. I take another deep breath and then proceed to eat my breakfast. I am feeling pretty good now, knowing that I don't have to get up from this chair for another hour and 1/2! I now allow myself to relax, to soak in the moment with all these other beautiful moms and imagine their mornings being just as hectic.
I know we all have our own crazy mornings! I just don't know anyone yet who has mornings like mine, with a little one and battling Lyme Disease! I just don't. I've met people with LD, they have kids, but none with a 3 year old... being a 3 year old!
So, in that regard... I feel a bit alone. Not better or worse. Just alone.
We get through the meeting, Wendy speaks, which she said things today that I really took to heart and am going to begin to do in my life. For myself and for Vivian. So, I'm emotional because of the changes that I need to make and the acceptance that I have to have in order to do these things she spoke of. Then they bring out the guest speaker. She is going to talk about 'Being your child's first best teacher with creative, intentional parenting'! Sounds lovely, doesn't it?? Did to me too! I was thrilled! YES, I can't wait to hear tips, advice, information and her experience on this topic! Seems appropriate since I am going to take that venture of being an 'official homeschooling' mom one day! I thought, I better pay attention, listen and take notes!
She begins and she is great! I sat up straighter and began to listen intently to all she had to offer!
She starts out and talks about the qualities you want your kids to possess as they grow, we are asked to write them down a moment. Then, she spoke of statistics of parents failing at being a fully involved parent. She talked about making a mission statement for the family! Awe... I totally can do that! Oh, wait... Steve and I don't even sit down and dream right now... hmm... anyway.
She busted out the creative part of parenting. The different ways to get our kids to show their creative side, with just some foam board, magazines and fabric swatches! Oh yeah! I can totally do that, I thought!! Then there's the Travel Binder for the trips that the family makes! Oh, cool! Wait... what? Trips? We've taken one so far and that one was completely and utterly exhausting for me! Travel?? Binders?? Organize binders with info downloaded from the Internet and bible verses to match accordingly??? Wait... WHAT? I can't even hardly download my new patient forms for my other 3rd new Lyme doctor that I'm hoping will work for me. Bible verses?? I can't get past, Lord give me the strength today, prayers! Verses?? *sigh* okay...
Then there's talk about the Bible Books bag and the question jar and the prayer book with pictures and cards underneath with prayer requests.
I think, wait a minute...I have a toilet paper roll that I have sitting on my table, waiting for me to figure out how to make it into a shaker for Vivian and a project she needs to do this week for her Kindermusik class next week!
There was Hanging bible verses for 'What we believe' and 'The way we want to live' categories! Lastly, downloading Sunday school songs and printing them in a binder for the kids to choose to sing before bedtime! I can hardly even make it upstairs to brush Viv's teeth and put her PJ's on, let alone... bring up the song binder and have her pick out songs to sing, sit on the floor and have a grand time singing them before bed! Really?
For the 45 minutes that she spoke I found myself writing and thinking then writing and brain storming my own ideas for Viv and us. Until she got to all the projects and printing verses! I'm not saying I don't believe in bible verses... because I really do! It just got to the point where I began to look at my own reality. My reality right now is pretty crazy enough without all the verses, projects and mission statements! I am just trying to find a doctor to properly treat my Lyme so that I am not throwing up, getting sick, depressed and can't get out of bed with treatments! My goal right now is to seek treatment that works in the natural and will kill the Lyme bacteria as well as allowing me to live my 'busy enough' life!
I began to think I was a bad mom, like I was depriving my child if I didn't do these things. If I don't have a family mission statement, what will others think??? Seriously, I thought... how silly does that sound? It sounds wonderful and gives me all sorts of feel good emotions to think about doing these things this gal spoke of. I just have to be realistic. I cannot do these things right now. I can't. PERIOD. Maybe someday I will have the energy and motivation... maybe. I have to be okay with what we have today.
Vivian sees me going through the day, giving everything in my power to get through it as best as I can. I break down sometimes, and that's okay too. It allows her to see that mom is human, I have emotions and I get frustrated and scared. I call out to God for help and she hears me! She is learning that when times are tough, call out to the One who has the power to help! She sees when I am happy and hears me say thank you God for the gratitude and the ability to be happy. She is learning that just God alone can bring us happiness and gratitude if we seek it. She hears me pray for those around us as well as healing. That shows her how to get out of ourselves and think about other people and lift them up to God to bless them, to change us. To bring healing if it should be His will. Shows her how to ask nicely and give thanks even though. She sees me laying on the couch and not being able to move sometimes. She gets frustrated and I tell her it's okay to be frustrated, I am too. Let's make the best of it. She can be real with me. I smile to her and ask her to bring her books or toys to play on the couch. She helps me and that shows her how to make the best of a situation even if the situation isn't how you would like it. It shows her how to smile through the pain and trust that God will make it better!
So... to the beginning of what the speaker recommended. Listing the five things you want your child to possess in life. These are the 5 qualities I wrote down this morning before typing this blog.
1. Passionate for God
2. Be compassionate for others
3. Be willing to get out of yourself and work hard
4. To thine own self be true
5. Be genuine
Little did I know... I am already living our way into right thinking. I really am being Vivian's 'First, best teacher with creative, intentional parenting'!
I don't need all the other 'stuff' mentioned above to make her be a better little person right now. She is getting just what she needs in life. God is quite amazing like that! I just need to keep looking ahead and to God for the next right step to make. He will show me. I trust in Him and by doing so, it's showing Viv how to do the same in life. All the other 'fun' stuff will fall into it's place, in it's own time. I love knowing this today.
Amen
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